Write The Truth

It's been a while! Sawasdeekaaaaaaa to you! (hello in thai, I think)

It's about 7am, and I sit here, in Koh Samui with a glass mug of t, tapping away on the laptop as the waves crash and the sun rises. I'm so relaxed. I'm just hoping the sun will stay where it is and the blazing heat and constant sticky face will be delayed for a bit more time.

Lauren passed away on the 16th of February, peacefully, after her mother and sister had just washed her hair. She lay there and went as they dried it. It happened 2 days after we set off for Thailand, as we slept, 7 hours ahead, in our Bangkok hotel rooms. We woke up to a phone call from Tiff's mum and I recall sitting on the edge of my bed, not letting the news hit me. We travelled for 12 hours that day to a small island called Koh Chang, where the 6th member of our travel party awaited our arrival. It wasn't until that first embrace with Daisy that all of us started to cry and hug and then laugh with astonishment. Only then did it sink in, only when all of us were together.

That week was a strange one. A mixture of homesickness and ignorant bliss. The beauty of Thailand numbing every bad feeling. It seemed as though, for the majority of time, we all pushed our best friend's death to the back of our hearts and minds and concentrated only on our trip and the day to day trivialities of food, sun, sea and hammocks. But there were other times. Times when I'd wake up ridiculously early because of the heat, trek to a bench with my book and stare through the black print, thinking about Lauren. I couldn't believe it. I still can't. Every time she trickles into my memory, my chest constricts and my mind shoves the thoughts away. It's so easy to do so in Thailand. But it was something I had to face, something we all had to face.

Before leaving, I worked up the courage to ask Loz what she'd want us to do if she wasn't around by the time we got back. She paused, her mind working out the best way to put something she had been obviously already been thinking about.

'Write something for me. Write the truth, make sure it's the truth.'

I spent that whole week, during the times I could be alone in the glorious cool mornings whilst the rest of the world slept, to write the truth. But all I could muster was the pathetic words of a hurt friend, an angry friend. Everything I wrote, no matter how hard I tried, managed to warp into this morbid, angry letter to some high being that apparently forced illness upon my friend and stole her young, unready life. Eventually, when we all came together, we wrote the truth. The truth about how much we loved Loz. I think I will paste it on here...

Loz once said that she admired the brilliance of the bumble bee. Not just a bumbling creature, but a remarkable one. Science shows that those tiny wings shouldn't be able to lift the bees large body into the air. It's a creature that defies everything that makes sense. Lauren's Cystic Fibrosis may have prevented her from doing certain things but she never allowed it to alter the way she is, the way she wanted to be. She never let her kindness, her goodnes, her generosity change, even when her illness did. She was an unbelievable person and an unbelievable friend. She always gave too much of her precious time to us. Family, friends and even pen pals from around the world were blessed with her thoughtful trinkets and hand made cards. We're sure most of you here have recieved a one of a kind gift from our beautiful best friend. Our beautiful best friend, we miss you so much. Your obsession with magazines and your delight in books. The moments you took off your glasses to reveal the most beautiful blue eyes. Your diet that seemed to consist only of ribena, milky ways, percy pigs, butter out the packet and the regular chinese. Your passion and appreciation for clothing, the way you nursed the treasures around your wrist. Your giggle that warms our hearts and the smile that couldn't help but catch boys attention. All these things we love about you, we will miss. All the memories you have given us, we will cherish. We love you more than tongue can tell.

We don't think you realised it then, Loz, but you are just like bumble bee, you never let your small wings stop you from flying.

On the day of Lauren's funeral, we had our own ceremony. With flowers, candles, music and Sang Som, we chatted about the Bear and we cried about the Bear. We woke up the next day, put letters to Loz into a bottle, and dropped it into the sea.

We said goodbye.