Blog Hiatus

Blog hiatus begun when Loz died, I think. Her blog was the secret she shared with me. The ins and outs of her life for me to read. I was closer to her then than I've ever been, just through reading her true thoughts.. and I can't help but feel glum when I come back here.

Then again, she always shouted at me for not regularly posting, haha.

So, hi.

The end of Lauren's life also marked the beginning of my travels,

and the distinction between these two things are pretty hazy.

Leaving Jersey

(and not returning like one would after two weeks on holiday)

was weird and friggin' wonderful.

It was as though my friends and I had escaped the reality

of Loz' death, work, winter, parents, 'To Do' lists, rules,

and without worries,

we did whatever we wanted to, whenever we wanted to.

It was so free, easy and surreal.

But there's still not a day that passes

when the Bear doesn't cross my mind.

She should've been there.

I now have 1 week before I leave for Edinburgh University.

Whoa.

Morphine Induced Cloud

This weekend has been like no other. There were no parties, no trips to town, no lie ins, no hang over breakfasts... One of my best friends, Lauren, was sent to hospital last week. Loz has Cystic Fibrosis, a genetic disease that causes defects in the lungs and the digestive system. It wasn't until we were at the hospital, about to enter the Bear's room, when her mum said, 'now, try not to get upset when you see her' with tears in her own eyes, did I take in the seriousness of it all. From being completely optimistic and light hearted, I broke down and was sent to the waiting room where I saw family members I'd never met before, like her uncle who lives in the Caribbean. Suddenly it became clear that this wasn't Loz's usual hospital 'pop in, pop out'.

Over the weekend we've gone through ups and downs. Hearing the words 'days left' is enough to let you plummet into a dark hole you can't scratch your way out of. But hearing the Bear giggle is enough to sit you on a morphine induced cloud for an hour. It's shock, it's regret, it's hope, it's desperation. From friday onwards, we've stayed together. Jordanna flew back from uni, Tiff came back from skiing, we've spent every waking hour in each other's company, too scared to eat or sleep alone. We've pulled out our home-made cards and poems Lauren made for us, wore T shirts she bought for us... recalled those times she got too pissed at so and so's party. Only tonight, Tuesday night, did I take the plunge and drive home to be by myself. And surprisingly, it's quite nice. Other than in the shower, I've not had time to think. In the past 5 days I've seen Lauren, I've sobbed, I've cuddled, I've stared into space, I've drunk T, I've eaten eggs and bacon for dinner. I've needed and enjoyed my friend's company. But it was nice to crash out on my own, have a cry and sort my mind out.

I am looking forward to sleep.

One Can Only Imagine

The boy left for uni saturday morning.

Tomorrow, sister leaves for uni abroad.

Friends are heading their separate ways over the next few weeks.

Weather's shit.

Full time job just around the corner.

And the worst of it is..

argh

it is literally painful to type..

my camera is broken.

I'm feeling deflated and so sad.

I think it's the anti-climax.

Jersey Live - that festival I mentioned a while ago?

well it was this weekend

and it was awesome

(despite somebody pouring vodka on my camera)

but it's over now

time for people to move on.

But I don't want summer to end and people to leave!

I know there's lots of new beginnings

(i'm sure I can scrape together some money to get the cam fixed

or buy a new one?)

but still...

nobody

likes

change

(I have a special bond with that inappropriately big camera)

Sigh,

it's going to be a long night.

In my desperate attempt to cheer up

I went rummaging through my Iphoto

and found these bad boys

from a party I went to last year.

And now i'm thinking to myself...

'Nothing i'm feeling now could match how these guys must have felt when they took that first glimpse of realisation

trying to figure out

where they are

and what the fuck they're doing on the floor

or why they might be holding several thousand beer bottles

or even why they are looking like a lady

or maybe even why there is a boot on the face.'

One can only imagine......

Or not?

I have been backwards and forward on whether to show this to you or not..

but here it is.

(Yes, that is brioche i'm clutching in my fist)

(and Yes, I did pass out at 10pm)

(and finally Yes, I did get up at 6am to take photos of the unconscious,

making it out as though I had been apart of the amazing night)

It's strange how much happier I feel.

hehehe

Happy Blogging